The truth about secrets

Do you have secrets? That’s a pretty silly question, isn’t it? We all have some secrets. The issue is more about what kinds of things do you keep secret. What are you keeping secret?

I’ve been thinking a lot about powerful communication recently. In fact, I’m producing an event in the fall that’s ALL about Communicating Passionately and how to more effectively connect and relate to each other. I’ll tell you more about that when the time comes.

Back to secrets.

There’s a myth about successful partnerships that goes something like “If you’re really in love, you tell each other everything.”

That’s a bunch of baloney! No one tells anyone everything. Its just not possible. Try to count the millions of thoughts you have every day. Do you really think you could tell someone all of that? (Would they even care? Methinks NO!)

So we all keep secrets. It seems to me that some are fairly innocuous, like who cares? I mean really, do you care if I tell you how many chocolates I ate this afternoon? (2) Or if I talked to my sister? (I didn’t)

These kinds of secrets only matter if you have an agreement with someone not to do the something you did. Otherwise, as I said, who cares?

But others are deadly, what I call Purposeful Withholds. (I’m going to refer to them as PW, because I’m having a slight RA flare up in my fingers and anything I can do to cut short the typing, the better).

When we have a PW, it takes a lot of energy to keep from letting it out. We worry about being found out and stress about it at 3 in the morning. There’s usually a lot of emotions swirling around it as well as righteousness and justifications as to why we need to keep it to ourselves. That’s how you know it’s a PW.

All of those mind games to keep something hidden takes a huge toll on the relationships we have. The people in our lives, our spouses, partners, family members, etc., often feel as if they can’t quite connect to us, but they can’t put their finger on what’s wrong. Something is off, out of whack.

Do you know why?

Because when you’re holding something so tight, you can’t afford to be yourself. You can’t let down your guard for a moment, because it might slip out.

Authenticity and true connection are impossible when you have a BIG Purposeful Withhold. They kill relationships.

They often start out small.

Have you ever lied to your partner about paying a bill on time, or having an innocent conversation with an ex when you knew that their knowing would upset them?

Or maybe you want to try something new and kinky in the bedroom but never say anything because you’re afraid they may think poorly of you.

Or something happened in the past, that you’re afraid if they found out, they wouldn’t love you anymore.

None of these seem like a big deal at the time. After all, why hurt their feelings about something so inconsequential?

But if you’re not careful, those things gather steam inside you and may turn into a PW.

Baby Step:

Take an inventory of your secrets. How difficult would it be to let the cat out of the bag? That question itself should alert you to any red flags.

Big Girl Step:

If what you’re committed to is living an authentic, connected and passionate life, those PWs have to see the light of day. If you’re serious about taking this one on and you need support, please reach out. I’m happy to help.

What do you think about secrets and purposeful withholds? I love hearing your points of view!

Until then… Stay Passionate!

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